Most of us approach marriage with a clear picture in our mind of the characteristics of our ideal spouse. The person we marry never completely fits that picture, but we are sure that with a little coaching and prodding from us, he or she will soon become everything we had imagined.

Blessed is the man, or woman, who realizes early in married life that this is not a workable idea. It results in friction, misunderstanding, a lack of trust and sometimes in the breakdown of the marriage. This other person has his or her own picture of the ideal spouse, and, sad to say, I don’t really match that picture either.

At some point we have to discard those pictures, especially my picture of myself as the ideal spouse. Conflicts arise in marriage, due to the fact that we come from different homes, perhaps different communities, different cultures. A major difference is that one is a man and the other a woman, and our brains just don’t seem to be wired the same.

When a crisis seems to be brewing, it works best to stop and ask: Have I misunderstood something? Have I said or done something? But I’m too impatient for that and go bulling ahead. That doesn’t resolve anything and sooner or later I need to go back and listen.

This works much better if we are both Christians and ready to obey the gentle prompts of the Holy Spirit. We change as life goes on. I never become the ideal person that I thought I was when I married, not do I ever become the ideal person my spouse expected me to be. We think a lot more realistically now and it has become much easier to admit our mistakes and failures. We are comfortable with each other and can’t imagine life without our spouse.

Someone who has put up with me all these years and still appreciates my company is a greater treasure than anything I could have imagined 55 years ago.

Happy Mothers Day, to my wife, our daughter and all mothers everywhere!